Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist, and the general advice here may not account for your individual needs or situation, and does not apply to obsessive compulsive disorder or any related psychological disorders. If you are struggling with your mental health, please please speak to a professional.
We’ve all been there, making a complete ass of ourselves and that molten heat of embarrassment burning the moment into our memories forever - doomed to play on repeat when we can’t sleep or try to forget it. That’s normal. Just gotta accept it happened, find something else to focus on and it’ll slowly drift away.
But sometimes, we can’t. We hold on to this secret shame long after everyone else has forgotten the incident and it starts to creep into our daily life. Altering how we think about things and how we go about our lives, working to appease it - but no matter how much we give, it will always ask for more. We now have an obsession.
Like many things, not all obsessions are bad and there are different levels of intensity. Some will be of benefit to us - studying or working harder for an important test/job - and some will be harmful to us - enabling harmful routines or not moving on from something. One of the key differences is if we can recognise and manage these obsessions in a positive balanced way, or if we can’t and they are managing us - letting them influence and make decisions for us. Can we switch lanes and focus on something else? Can we say “enough for now” and attend to the other things that are important to us? If not, we may be letting the obsession steer us somewhere we don’t want to be.
So today, I thought it would be interesting to look at how we can recognise these obsessions giving us bad directions, and tactics for getting back on the path of what’s actually important to us. I’ve done a lot of dumbs, but last year I had one of my more public failures and subsequent obsessive periods, so thought it would be a good one to illustrate before looking at specific signs and ways to counter. This isn't a tragic tale or a guide to beating big issues or disorders (I’m not an expert or professional) - this is looking at how something innocuous or a bump in the road can snowball into something a bit bigger if we let it.
A BIG OOOF
At 6am on July 14th 2019, after a year of training, hype, and many hundreds (into the thousands) of pounds spent, the IRONMAN UK start gun blasts, signalling our starting group to make our way to the water's edge. Within a few minutes, over 2000 endurance athletes from around the world will be swimming around Pennington Flash, kicking off the 140 mile (225km) swim, bike and run around Bolton - pushing the mind and body into uncharted territory as you explore the caverns of your own soul, attempting to find ways to keep moving forward. BUZZING.
Though it took me an hour and a half, I enjoyed the 2.4mile (3.8km) open water swim - the reservoir scenery and turns making the time pass far quicker than the constant back and forth of the indoor pool, and the extra buoyancy of the wetsuit made it easier to bob along and enjoy the view. While my time wasn’t anything to write home about - the race leaders were out the water in ~50mins - it was to plan, staying at an easy pace to manage energy for the rest of the race. As a strength athlete attempting an endurance challenge, I wasn’t fussed about the finish time, just finishing was the goal. Back on land, it was wetsuit off, helmet on, and time for the bike.
At 112 miles (180km), the bike section was going to be the biggest challenge - this would be the longest part of the day with an estimated 8 hours in the saddle at my energy conserving pace. In preparation I had trained mostly indoors, with 4-6hour rides staring at a wall to build mental fortitude, and a few outdoor rides to get used to outdoor conditions (winds, hills and eating on the move). Logging fewer outdoor miles, I had decided against putting on new tyres and inner tubes to save time and money in the week before race day, and in order to squeeze more food onto my bike bags I removed one of my spare inner tubes, leaving me with one on the bike and the other at the hotel. This was dumb.
After about 9 speed bumps and not-so-great roads I had a flat rear tyre - no biggie with my spare inner tube. A few miles later while not paying attention I hit a big pothole, taking a small chunk out of my front tyre and putting a hole in my inner tube. With my other spare sitting in my hotel room, and not convinced I could pedal 90+ miles with a flat and finish the 26 mile (42km) run afterwards, I was done. After being overtaken by the remainder of the field, the cut off bus caught up and gave me a lift to a checkpoint near transition 2, where I could grab my transition bag (running kit) and make my way back to the city centre for my other bags (swim and post race kit).
And that was it. After a year of training, making a big fuss on social media, and hundreds of pounds spent, there was no great physical struggle, no mental battle to the finish, no glorious end.
Just an idiot with a flat tyre.
My emotional reaction was as you’d expect - a mixture of anger at myself and sadness, for a classic self-pity cocktail. The apathy accompanied by it didn’t last too long - by moving at an easy pace I had, by all accounts, only done a casual swim and wee bike ride - so I was back into training the first morning back in Edinburgh. Only now I had a chip on my shoulder.
I was convinced I had to redeem myself, by either entering another IRONMAN and finishing with a good time, or to do my own long course triathlon - going for a 4km pool swim, biking around Scotland or down to England for 180km, then running about for 42km to make the total distance. After I got some new inner tubes and upgraded my bike tyres, I decided to scout out a nice long bike route down to Berwick upon Tweed and back (194km) to prepare for a redemption triathlon - prove that I could do it and wasn’t just an idiot with a flat tyre. Not the safest idea, going out by myself without telling anyone, but safety was not my chief concern anymore. I went for a quick 2km swim first, then set out with wet kit and a tonne of nutrition/fluids in my bag for the day's adventure to simulate redemption-race conditions. It was a fairly pleasant ride, although contending with traffic, pedestrians and stopping to check the map for directions was hampering my average speed. If this happened on my full run through and I went super slow (18+ hours to finish the whole thing), people would probably just laugh at me for taking so long. No bueno.
Clearly I’d have to improve my bike speed for either the full run through or for the next race I could afford. As a bonus, if I could cycle faster, I wouldn’t need to carry so much nutrition and could sub in extra spares/tools if I got into bother again. Reading into the latest cycling training philosophies, the Functional Threshold Power (FTP - the maximum power you can sustain for an hour, measured in Watts) seemed to be the ideal thing to work on - sprinting or maximum power wouldn’t do much good in a multi-hour race, and having an objective output to sustain would be easier to focus on than just the subjective feel of the ride. With that, a new goal was set - build one big ass FTP.
I hit the books, blogs and videos of professionals and serious cyclists to find out more about training with Watts on the bike, comparing where I was with the top athletes to see how much I needed to improve. It looked like a lot of experienced long race cyclists had a self reported FTP of around 250 Watts, and Tour de France pros regularly hitting over 400 as they battle for the yellow jersey. In the middle there were the serious IRONMAN athletes, the world champions averaging over 320 watts for the bike section. As there’s still a marathon to run after the bike leg, these triathletes will operate at 65-80% of their FTP (depending on their level) during the race, so looking at the wattage data from their triathlons isn’t quite the full picture. Seeing how pitiful my FTP was (about 190 Watts at the time), I had a long way to go. Too long if I wanted to convince people I wasn’t a loser. Broadening my search, I wondered what kind of FTP it took to finish an IRONMAN in under 10 hours.
Going sub 10 for a full IRONMAN is a world class feat of endurance, and a bit less challenging than trying to win a race against the pros - so I thought why not aim for that kind of bike wattage? Yeah, my swim and run would have to improve too, but for now I can focus purely on the bike - giving up some strength exercises and training indoors to focus on building the FTP uninterrupted. Looking around, it seems the best combo for a sub 10 hour Ironman is an hour swim, sub 6 hour bike and a 3 hour marathon, but what is the average power output on the bike? A few were around 166 -180 Watts for a fairly flat bike course, so estimating this was moving at 65% of their actual FTP put the magic number at 255-277+ Watts. This seemed much more doable than the 300+ Watts the pros were cranking out, so I figured I’d aim for at least a 260 Watt FTP for now - target locked in.
The flatter bike courses seem to be in Florida, Frankfurt, and Sweden, so I’ll need to make some cut backs to save up for travel - social stuff seems the easiest to reduce, everyone is being kind but I don’t want them to pity me when we’re hanging out. It’ll be easier just to skip stuff, work on my performance and resurface once I’ve actually achieved something.
Pure power isn’t the only factor affecting outdoor speed though, with better aerodynamics I’ll be able to reduce my drag - meaning less power needed to reach and maintain higher speed. Also, weight will come into play on the uphills, if I can drop some weight and improve my aerodynamics I’ll get some free speed - so losing some muscle mass and a better bike could be useful here, right? I’ll need to give up some more gym time, but can always get back to it afterwards. For aerodynamics, my road bike isn’t bad but the £2000+ bikes are hot stuff - slicing through the air and their superior gears. Sure it’s more money, but it’ll be worth it once I cross the finish line and am no longer an idiot. I’ll cut back on social stuff more, but it’s not like alcohol, days out or trips away are going to help improve my FTP anyway...
… wait… what am I doing?
A year ago I didn’t even know what a FTP was, didn’t care about cycling, and now I’m structuring my life around it? How does some random endurance challenge, and becoming world class at it, now mean everything to me? How did this happen?
Well, I let it happen. Little by little, step by step - no detaching from the emotion and thinking about the big picture, or how my feelings were influencing my thinking. Just following that knee jerk “I FEEL DUMB” and letting it run without facing or dealing with it. Letting it become more than just an event or incident, and allowing it to define what I thought about myself. Nobody was laughing at me or giving me a hard time about the whole thing, just me. In fact, everyone was kind and supportive, I just didn’t want to see it that way as it didn’t fit what I was thinking or focused on (yeh they’re being nice, but we all know “the truth” - they’re probably just feeling sorry for me).
If I ever do finish a sub 10 hour IRONMAN, will it make those dumb choices go away? No, they’ll always be there as they’re in the past, nothing can change it. At best, I could focus on having achieved something - it wouldn’t erase anything, just give me something else to focus on. Thinking of it that way, I don’t need to go sub 10, I just need to find something else to focus on - logically, emotionally, maybe both. Face up to and let go of that obsessive routine or way of thinking, and apply that energy elsewhere. Easier said than done of course.
I’m not ruling out doing another IRONMAN and going for a time - my best indoor FTP was 236 Watts - but doing it for the right reasons, and maybe aiming for a more realistic time than “world class”. Ditching everything for my bruised ego? Not a great idea. Integrating training with other important lifestyle things? That sounds a bit better.
Wanting to try something or improve is not a bad thing, and it will require some level of dedication and focus. The further we want to go, the more time and energy we have to put into it - which does mean sacrificing other things sooner or later. We just need to pause every now and then to make sure it’s something important or worthwhile, and our decision is not being fuelled by a rash emotion or spur of the moment decision. Look at it from different perspectives, and check in with ourselves and others to make sure we’re not going down the wrong path. It’s OK to change course or adjust as we go, and a bad decision is not the end of the world. Learn from it, and find a way to move forward.
So you’ve done a dumb - me too. Let’s find a way outta here.
COMMON OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS/SIGNS
Unrealistic comparisons - my total novice ability vs a world class finishing time or FTP (if I can’t make it I’ll look like an idiot)
Disregarding or neglecting important things/people - sacrificing social activities and opportunities for training time, ditching long term plans to accommodate short term training goals
Changing life to fit obsession - ditching strength training that I actually enjoy, sacrificing or moving other activities to free up training time
Paranoia - people are watching, probably laughing, think I’m a joke, judging or pitying me (no actual proof, or conjured up from pretty weak evidence)
Increased daydreaming or imagining things - making up plans or dreaming out scenarios (crossing the finish line in a certain time, how it will feel to finish)
Sense of worth depends on this thing - “I’ll be a loser unless…”, this thing will change everything or is “all I have”
Moving goal posts - you can never quite reach “it”, no matter how much you give it always asks for more or changes
Can’t let go despite clear signs or people have expressed concerns - people have noticed the toll it’s taking, other interests/pursuits/goals are taking a hit, injuries and twinges becoming more frequent but are ignored
Feel off when you don’t get your fix - I’m not training, so I’ll be losing progress and getting slower. Time away from “it” is going to cost me
TACTICS TO COUNTER AND GET BACK ON TRACK
Face it - where does it come from, what started it all? Can you use it positively or as a learning experience?
Be real - this is part of your story, not the whole tale (it doesn’t have to define you). Is this behaviour helping you or hurting you (think short and long term, about how it affects other aspects of your life and what’s important to you)? We’ll be 100x more aware of and sensitive to “it” than others (people aren’t judging or laughing at us 24/7, they’ll forget about it much quicker than we think).
If the obsessive behaviour is causing harm or we can’t use it in a positive way, we can:
Get some distance - take a break, get some space, go somewhere you don’t have to think about IT. If we stay in close proximity it’s 1000x harder to ignore or quit, by getting some distance (physical or mental) we make the job way easier.
Stop feeding/enabling it - no “one last time, a quick shot, a wee dip”, because it’s never the last one. STOP IT NOW. What habits are supporting the obsession? Can they be stopped or changed?
Distract yourself or pursue new/other interests - instead of going “cold turkey” and just quitting something, replace it with something else to keep the mind busy (add instead of subtract). This way we don’t have a big time vacuum that would be spent thinking about what we’re trying to avoid - like the pink polar bear problem (try not to think of a pink polar bear, and we inevitably think of one as we try to avoid it). We can fill the time with something that helps us relax (art, a hobbie, socialising, etc), grow (reading, a class, learning a new skill, working on a project, etc) or something we’ve been putting off (sorting out the garden, updating your CV, etc).
Focus on what we’ve neglected - people can be pretty nice, especially if we take responsibility for our actions and don’t go in expecting a straight forward “no worries, life goes on”. The forgotten and dried up house plant won’t be so forgiving.
Be in the moment (what’s going on around you) - if we’re prone to daydreaming, then we’ve likely been missing out on what’s going on in the here and now. Take an interest in the immediate surroundings - what’s going on? What can we see, hear or smell? Are we meant to be doing something?
Change daily routine - if we’ve been obsessed for a while or intensely enough, it will have taken a place in your daily routine, influencing how the day goes or what we do. Similar to “distract yourself/pursue new interests”, we can replace old habits by taking up new ones - or in this case, changing our daily routine. This could be performing a morning ritual (get up and do a few press ups, meditate or do some stretching), or switching up the order we do things.